


There is No Pain in The City of Light

by Ali_T_363



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-07-25 23:05:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7550719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ali_T_363/pseuds/Ali_T_363
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**Trigger Warning** Cutting and Alcohol use. </p><p>Raven and Abby are both struggling to cope with life after ALLIE. After initially pushing each other away, they realize that the only thing that will get them through this is the other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

‘ _There is no pain in The City of Light’_ ALLIE’s voice echoed inside of Raven’s mind. Her breathing became ragged, pulse racing, eyes blurring in and out of focus.

            _This isn’t The City of Light, she isn’t real, she isn’t here,_ Raven thought rapidly. _We beat that bitch, she’s gone._

‘ _I will never truly be gone Raven, you of all people should know that.’_ ALLIE said. Or did she? Was that her voice inside Raven’s mind, or Raven’s mind imitating ALLIE?

“Shut up!” Raven yelled, clamping her hands on her ears, trying desperately to block the voice out. She was sitting on the cool bathroom floor, rocking back and forth. This had been going on for weeks now. Things had been better when everyone returned to Arkadia, they felt normal, she felt normal, and then things had slowly faded. Without ALLIE, life was not the same as it had been before. Things hurt more, disappointment stung worse, and the barrier between what was real and what wasn’t became blurred for a lot of people, but not for Raven. She had been strong, helped to rebuild the community, and now that the people she cared about were on the mend, she had nothing to occupy her mind. Nothing but the words, no, the lies ALLIE had fed to her. This was not the first night Raven had found herself holed up in her bathroom, the lights stinging her eyes, music blasting through her makeshift headphones, but this was the first night she could not shut ALLIE down.

 _‘There is no pain in The City of Light’_ the phrase looped through her mind like a soundtrack. Raven felt like she was going crazy, like the world around her had stopped turning, and then, in a instant, it had. She no longer heard the music; the lights were not causing her eyes to burn. She was back in the City of Light, and it was beautiful. The image became cloudy and then she was back in the bathroom. Her cotton pyjamas clung to her sweaty skin, her dark hair pulled back in a messy ponytail.

 _None of this is real_ Raven thought to herself, _it can’t be!_

Raven stood up and threw back the door. She went back into her room and frantically searched among the strewn mess. Her eyes darted back and forth until they rested on what she had been so desperately searching for: Abby’s med kit. She grabbed the bag and dumped the contents out onto the bed, and then she saw it, sitting on top of the gauze, a scalpel. She carefully reached for it and slowly walked back into the bathroom, closing the door and locking it behind her. She sat on the edge of the toilet with her head in her hands, sobbing.

 _This is the only way, this is the only way to know what’s real and what isn’t,_ she thought, wiping the tears from her cheeks. She walked back over to the sink and starred at her gaunt face in the mirror. She had changed, nothing drastic, but she was not the same. Her eyes have become darker; the glint of hope that used to hide there had vanished. Her skin had lost some of its shine, and the creases across her forehead run deeper than they used to. ALLIE had really done a number on her, and she hated that.

“There is no pain in the City of Light,” Raven whispered to herself as she pressed the scalpel to her wrist, just below the ragged scar that still stood out bright against her dark skin. The scar ALLIE had left her with. She took a deep breath in as she drew the blade across the taut skin, gasping as it left behind a trail of dark blood. The scalpel slipped through her fingers and clattered as it hit the sink. Raven watched as the blood flowed down her wrist, filling in the lines and creases as it made its way down her fingers and dripped into the stainless steel basin.

“Well, that hurt,” she sighed, looking back at herself in the mirror. She felt as though she could breathe again, like the pain had brought her back to reality. If she had been in the City of Light, she wouldn’t have felt a thing. Raven took another deep breath before washing her wrist and cleaning the sink. She unlocked the door and walked back over to her bed. Carefully, she scooped the scattered medical equipment back into Abby’s bag, placing the scalpel back on top. She held a cloth to her wrist until it stopped bleeding and then crawled into bed. That night, she had the best sleep she’d had in a long time.

 

That was three weeks ago. Raven had been trying to fight the urge to cut again. Some nights she was victorious, but most of the time she fell victim to the burning need to feel at peace once more. She had been careful never to cut too deep, but each time she did, she had to cut harder, go further than before to attain the same results she had the first night. It had also been hard to hide from Abby- she always made sure to wear long sleeved shirts in the light, and at night she had been wrapping her wrists tight with cloth so the doctor wouldn’t feel the scars that were starting to form. Abby had been on a rotation of day shifts, meaning she had been home every night, it had been five days since Raven had last cut, and she was starting to feel the itch.

“Hey,” Abby said, pulling Raven’s pony tail to the side so she could kiss the nape of her neck, “Jackson is sick, so I’m going to cover for him tonight.”

Raven knew this news shouldn’t have made her happy, but she couldn’t help but feel a surge of relief flood through her. “Okay, what time do you think you’ll be back?” She tried to ask casually.

“I’m not sure, but don’t wait up for me,” Abby said, kissing Raven one more time before standing up and crossing the room, “I love you,” the doctor said from the door.

“I love you too,” Raven answered from her desk, hardly looking up when Abby walked out. She waited a couple of hours, mostly to show herself that she was still in control, _I can stop anytime I want to_. Then she pulled out the bottom drawer of her desk and peeled the tape back from the blade she had secured to the underside of the drawer. She knew if she took Abby’s scalpel the doctor would grow suspicious, and Raven worked with a lot of scrap metal. It hadn’t taken her long to file down the blade into a thin razor, sharpen it and clean it up. She had actually felt a little bit of pride in how nice the edge looked, _I could sell these to the tragically bearded men who walk these halls_ she had thought, but didn’t want to give herself away too quickly.

Raven twirled the blade between her fingers for a moment before heading to the bathroom. She no longer locked the door, especially when she knew Abby would be gone all night. She sat down with her back against the cool siding of the far wall; she took a deep breath before pressing the metal into her skin. She had a routine for this now, and enjoyed the build-up as much as the action itself. She sat there for a moment, feeling her skin warm the blade and reminded herself _there is no pain in the City of Light_. With that thought, she slid the razor across her skin. She pulled the razor away from her skin and watched as the blood quickly rose to the surface, but she did not feel the icy calm she had felt that first night, so she placed the razor back in the same spot and drew it across the scored skin, pushing harder than she had before. This time, she felt the blade bite into her skin, and felt as it parted in the wake of the razor. She took a deep breath as a chill rushed down her spine. _There is no pain in the City of Light_ , but what she was feeling wasn’t pain, not yet. Before she even knew what she was doing, Raven had made four more cuts, much larger than the other ones. Her skin burned as it was torn apart and finally Raven felt the pain prickling across her wrists. She sat there in shock before her mind caught up with her. _This is a lot of blood_ , she thought, but then remembered how much blood she had seen her friends lose and still be fine. She took a deep breath and decided to enjoy the high before the pain became too much and she would be forced back into reality. That’s when she would feel somewhat ashamed and swear never to do this again as she’d scrub the tiles clean and bandage her wrists, but for now she could relax.

“Raven, are you in here?” Abby said, knocking on the door lightly before opening it. “Oh my god,” she said, dropping in front of Raven instantly, “what did you do?”

“Abby, it’s nothing-“ Raven started, trying to hide her wrists from sight, but Abby was too quick. She grabbed Raven’s arms and looked at the lacerations, blood still trickling down her arms. Abby instantly switched into Doctor mode and rushed for her medic bag, which she had dropped beside the bed.

“How long ago did you do this?” She asked, she didn’t mean to be cold, just clinical; there was a job to do, the emotions could come after.

“Just a few minutes ago, maybe five” Raven said, not able to meet Abby’s eyes. Abby had poured rubbing alcohol on Raven’s wrists, causing searing pain to shoot through Raven’s body. Abby mopped up the bloody liquid and dried the skin.

“A few of these are going to need stiches,” she said, placing steri-strips on a couple of the smaller cuts. She reached back into the bag for a needle.

“What, no meds, doc?” Raven asked, unable to help herself.

“I didn’t think you’d mind the pain,” Abby said shortly, eyeing Raven uncomfortably.

“Don’t do that,” Raven said, placing a hand on Abby’s face. Abby quickly brought the hand down to start stitching up the cut.

“Do what?” Abby asked, her eyes starting to pool with tears.

“Treat me like Clarke when she’s disappointed you.” Raven said, flatly.

Abby looked up for a moment, and then back to her work, “That’s not how I meant to make you feel, this is just the last thing I expected to come home to.”

“I’m sorry,” Raven mumbled.

“No,” Abby said, this time looking up and meeting Raven’s eye’s, “don’t apologize, not for this.”

Abby finished patching Raven up in silence, wrapping both of Raven’s wrists in gauze before holding out a hand to help Raven up. The two walked back to bed and lay in silence for a long time. And then Abby heard something she had not heard in a long time. Raven had started crying. Abby rolled over and scooped her up into her arms.

“Shhh,” she whispered, “it’s alright love, it’s all going to be okay.”

Raven moved closer to Abby, pulling her arms around her tighter, and resting her head on Abby’s chest, “I just needed to know,” Raven said.

“Know what?”

“That I wasn’t in the City of Light,” Raven managed to get out.

Abby thought for a minute before nodding, “There is no pain in the City of Light.”

Abby continued to soothe Raven until she fell asleep in her arms. Abby kissed the top of Raven’s head and drifted off into an uneasy sleep, relieved that Raven had not smelt the booze on her breath.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I have been MIA, after writing this, I wasn't in the right headspace to continue. This chapter is things from Abby's point of view, and I hope you like it.

 

_ The best thing that’s happened to this place is Jasper _ Abby thought, as she threw back another shot. She had had very mixed feelings about sending the Delinquent's down to Earth in the first place, but now that she was reaping the benefits, she didn’t feel so bad. That, and the fact that she was halfway through a bottle of Arkadia's finest liquor, which consisted of a variety of fermented berries. 

“I’m going to have to cut you off,” Miller said, taking the bottle off the bar. After everyone had returned to Arkadia, Miller had hung up his guard’s jacket, and took on managing the bar. 

“Psh,” Abby slurred, “you don’t have to, just shhh,” she said, reaching for the bottle. 

“Abby, come on,” Miller said, lowering his voice, “I don’t want to have to tell Clarke.”

Abby scoffed, “Clarke isn’t even here.”

“Then I don’t want to have to tell Raven,” He said, his voice turning stern. 

Abby shook her head, but she stood up on shaky legs, “Fine.”

She staggered away, knowing she was too intoxicated to go home, thankfully, Clarke had still been issued quarters, and since she was still in Polis, Abby could sleep it off there. She crashed through the doors and collapsed on the bed. 

Since The City of Light, a lot of people had struggled to find a way to cope, but Abby had found her’s, alcohol. At first she had tried the healthy thing, to work through her problems, to talk about it, but that got old really fast. How could she sit among friends and rehash the terrible things she had done to them? So she had thrown herself into her work, but since Polis had been some what neutralized, and Azgeda had yet to retaliate for the death of Ontari, things in Medical remained fairly routine. And routine led to wandering thoughts. She had helped string up Kane, she had tried to kill Clarke, and she had watched ALLIE slit Raven’s wrists. She had been passive until she became the aggressor. And she hated it. Abby knew she couldn’t drink her problems away forever, but for now, it numbed the pain, and that’s all she needed. 

At first she had kept up an appearance in Medical, but soon, Jackson grew tired of covering for her, and she resented his role in The City of Light. For all intents and purposes, she was still the head doctor, but she rarely saw patients, and never operated. On one hand, she was ashamed of what she had become, and that’s why she had to lie to Raven. She couldn’t let the only good relationship she still had crumble because she was on the bottle. On the other hand, she had stopped caring about almost everything a long time ago, so the only thing keeping her from telling Raven was the fear the younger woman would make her stop. So for now, she kept up the pretense of going to work, got shitfaced, slept it off in Clarke’s quarters, and then returned home as if nothing had happened. 

That was the routine for weeks. 

Abby was sitting at the bar. She had already had three shots, and was contemplating a fourth. She held the bottle in her hand, and was studying it as if it held the mysteries of the universe. 

“What are you doing here Abby?” Miller asked as he wiped down the bar. 

“Performing open heart surgery,” Abby quipped, still focused on the bottle, though her eyes had glazed over. 

Miller smirked, “There was a time when that would have been the truth.”

“What’s your deal?” Abby asked, slamming the bottle down on the bar, “Isn’t your job to pour drinks down people’s throats and shut up?”

“Since I’m friends with Raven and Clarke, I’m going to let that one slide. Look, Abby, you had a great thing going for you, and then something really shitty happened. Big whoop. What about Clarke?” He asked. At this, Abby met his eyes, daring him to continue, and continue he did, “She held Lexa as she bled out, escaped Polis with the flame, and then found floatkru. Not to mention breaking back into Polis, having Ontari’s blood transfused into her so she could accept the flame, shut down ALLIE, and then destroy any chance she had at seeing Lexa again. But yeah, you sit here and drink your feelings cause you feel sad that you hurt a couple people. Wake up Abby, we’ve all hurt people, you aren’t special.” 

“Get that out of your system?” Abby asked, standing up, “Don’t you dare try to minimize what I’ve been through, you have no idea kid. Just because someone’s had it worse doesn’t mean your heart isn’t breaking,” tears started streaming down Abby’s face, but that didn’t stop her, “you sit here lecturing me about how hard Clarke has had it, and you don’t think I blame myself for that every day? I sent her here! My actions pushed her away. She’s lost the love of her life and there is nothing I can do to help her, not that she’d let me if I could!”

Miller was fighting back tears, but just shook his head, “Go home Abby. Dry out and do better.”

Abby grabbed her medic bag and stalked back to her quarters. Miller was right, but so was she. She opened the door expecting to see Raven, but was surprised to find the room empty. She thought Raven would be working at her desk, but then she noticed the bathroom door was closed. She walked over and knocked softly, as to not startle her. 

“Raven, are you in here?” She asked, easing the door open. What she saw instantly sobered her up. Raven was sitting on the floor, a blade in her hand and blood freely flowing from her wrist. “Oh my god, what did you do?” She dropped to her knees in front of Raven, who was doing her best to hide what she’d done. 

“Abby, it’s nothing-” the brunette said, looking away, but Abby reached for her lover’s arm, inspecting it quickly. 

“How long ago did you do this?” She asked, her voice steely. She reached back for her med kit that she had dropped right outside the door.

“Just a few minutes ago, maybe five,” Raven figured. 

Abby poured rubbing alcohol on Raven’s wrist, ignoring her wince. She pulled out some gauze and wiped away as much of the liquid as she could, so she could get a better idea of how deep Raven had gone. 

“A few of these are going to need stitches,” She said, placing steri-strips on the two smaller cuts. The skin pulled together easily. She threaded a needle and set to work. 

“What, not meds doc?” Raven asked, smirking. 

“I didn’t think you’d mind the pain,” Abby retorted, focusing on the task at hand. 

“Don’t do that,” Raven said, her eyes turning sad. 

Abby was fighting her own tears, “Do what?”

“Treat me like Clarke when she’s disappointed you.”

Abby stopped stitching for a moment and looked at Raven, “ That’s not how I meant to make you feel, this is just the last thing I expected to come home to.”

Raven nodded, “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize, not for this,” Abby said, setting back to her work. 

After she’d stitched Raven up, she undressed the girl and wiped the dried blood from her body with a warm cloth. Raven just let her. 

She put the girl in clean clothes and put her in bed. Abby laid next to her, but Raven turned away, facing the wall. 

_ What if I’d gone to Clarke’s and fallen asleep? What would have happened to Raven?  _ Abby thought to herself, sure, Raven’s cuts weren’t life threatening, but they had been pretty bad. But something interrupted Abby’s thoughts; soft sobs. 

Raven had started cry. She was so embarrassed Abby had found her like that. She felt Abby pull her in close, and murmur comforting words. 

“I just needed to know,” Raven choked out.

“Know what?” Abby asked, confused.  

“That I wasn’t in the City of Light.”

Abby completely understood what Raven meant, “There is no pain in the City of Light,” Abby said, echoing ALLIE’s words. 

At some point, Raven drifted off, but Abby couldn’t stop thinking. She had been so caught up in her own world, in how the City of Light had affected her, that she hadn’t even noticed Raven’s deterioration. Of course Raven was struggling. Abby had been in the City of Light, but ALLIE had been in Raven. In her mind, in her skin. Abby couldn’t even begin to imagine how horrible that all would have been. 

She kissed the top of Raven’s head while she continued thinking. Maybe Miller was right, there were people who had had it worse that her and were still functioning.  _ No,  _ she thought _ , none of us are functioning, we’re surviving _ . And that was true. Since they had come to the ground, Skykru had not functioned, they had set up Arkadia, sure, but they were not thriving, they were fighting. They were killing and being killed, and worrying about who was going to lead them.  _ We need to put this bullshit aside and start caring for our people _ Abby thought. In the morning she would go and talk to the Chancellor, but for now, she would drift in and out of sleep, with her arms wrapped safely around the woman she loved. 


End file.
